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Top 5 Worst Sex Scenes in Video Games

Top 5 Worst Sex Scenes in Video Games

Sex in games has always been one of the biggest testers of how far graphics have come. It doesn’t matter whether you have the most beautiful environments or realistically animated faces, there’s just something about the act of fornication that makes everything take a deep dive into the uncanny valley. Not only that, but because games can take place anywhere and don’t have to adhere to physically possible actions, developers are free to…indulge in some of the wilder possibilities. Whatever the case, here are five sex scenes in games that made me do anything but get into the mood.

Fable III

Fable III

“Show, don’t tell” is a common rule in all forms of visual media, and for good reason. It’s hard to find a place where this applies more than in Fable III ’s sex scenes. While I wouldn’t say the game has aged particularly gracefully (imagining those chunky character models getting it on is the stuff of nightmares), the solution – to fade to black and use voiceovers – ends up being incredibly awkward. You’re stuck listening to some deeply uncomfortable moans and grunts, with nothing but the blackness of the screen to reflect the void slowly opening inside you.

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Dragon Age: Origins

Dragon Age: Origins

Speaking of black screens, Dragon Age: Origins features so many cuts to black that it’s almost a wonder BioWare didn’t just simplify things and take Fable III ’s approach. Granted, the scenes themselves aren’t that bad compared to some, but there’s still some “quality” moments. In my research for this piece, I stumbled across a series of romance scenes with Morrigan. My disbelief at how her and the lead were getting it on right next to the campfire without igniting was only quelled by physical repulsion; that occurred when the camera changed and showed what amounted to two polygonal hunks of meat sliding across one another.

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The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt

The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt

You know what, I’m not going to poke fun at the ridiculousness of a magic spell that sexily dissolves your clothing; that’s a quality seduction tactic, and I embrace it wholeheartedly. What I will point out is that the scene features Geralt and Yennifer getting the sexy times on while atop a model unicorn. Completely ignoring the ridiculousness of the scenario, can you imagine how uncomfortable that would be? How’s someone supposed to get aroused when they’re too busy trying not to fall off a horse? The moral of the story: only ride one thing at a time.

Ride to Hell: Retribution

Ride to Hell: Retribution

The only reason this isn’t at the top of the list is that Ride to Hell is so freaking awful that I’d be surprised if anyone expected it to have, you know, good sex scenes. Now, I’m not going to start a big thing over the ludicrousness of seemingly every woman in the game wanting to bone down as soon as you save them. Yet the dead-eyed stares, facial expressions that make an orgasm look like a stabbing, and of course, the fact that all this coitus occurs while everyone’s still wearing their clothes do more than enough to ensure Ride to Hell ’s sexy times are anything but.

Heavy Rain

Heavy Rain

Okay, I feel like there are so many things wrong with this scene that I could devote an entire article to it alone, so let’s rattle a few off quick. Both characters make kissing animations regardless of where their mouths are, meaning half the scene is just them mouthing the air like blind goldfish. Clothes snap into place while being removed and roll off the characters’ bodies like latex suits. The player doesn’t control one character in the scene, instead performing QTE actions to get both to do their will like some sort of sex-obsessed god. Oh, and Madison’s boobs clearly clip into Ethan’s chest; contrary to popular belief, that’s not how those work. Credit where it’s due, though: you can fail the QTE for removing Madison’s bra; those things can be finicky.

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