Sex Sells. At least that’s what they say. But what if sex isn’t the intended focus, but just happens to pop up all over the place in your game? What then? Well, we address some of the sexiest moments in video gaming that may or may not have been intentional. So sit back and relax, reminisce about trying to find some of these (we know you did), and help us count down the ten sexiest moments in video gaming. We know we didn’t get them all, but these are some of our favorites for the simple reason that they shouldn’t have even been there in the first place but they were. Here we go.
Do It With Your Pants Off This Time
Being a fan of the Metal Gear Solid series, I naturally try to keep up with all the craziness and hidden stuff that comes along with it. So naturally when I heard that you could see Meryl Silverburgh working out with no pants on I had to try and see if this was correct. Well, I am here to tell you that it is true. And although the graphics in that game are vastly outdated, had I known this back when it was cutting edge there may have been a far different response from a far younger me. But it was worth a look anyway.
- Compatible across virtually all gaming platforms and devices
- An unmatched, immersive gameplay experience (THX 7.1 surround sound capable, detachable mic, and more)
- Gel padding is incredibly comfortable across a wide range of head sizes
She was Quakin’ and Shakin’
Way back in the Quake 2 days, you could do all sorts of fun things–blow people up, shoot them in the face, wait for them to respawn and then shoot them again–but somewhere along the line, someone in the development team thought it would be a great idea (and it was at the time) to add a little fun into the mix. By that I mean dirty fun of the solo variety. It involved the insanely difficult task of sneaking in on the villain Elxis Sinclaire with she is having a private, and completely solo, intimate moment in her hot tub. Once you make it into the room, there she is, rubbing herself and shouting some wonderfully terrible sexual things.
Hot Coffee
This one has become the stuff of legend. In Grand Theft Auto San Andreas , there was a mod included on the ‘black label’ version of the game that allowed you to engage in a timed-button-press mini-game of bump and grind with a hooker. Although it was really more of an increasingly fast dry hump than actual sex, it was still enough to get overly prudish moms out there all twisted-faced and pissed off. This would lead to the eventual omission of the mod from the ‘red label’ version of the game, where violence, and more violence would be the only real danger to young minds. Apparently that was perfectly acceptable, but dry humping? Nope…you’ve crossed the line, Rockstar.
Now You See It Don’t You?
Speaking of what’s acceptable for kids to see and what they shouldn’t, let’s turn our attention to a more kid-centric title like Banjo-Kazooie . It seems totally innocent and worthy of your kids playing through it without the worry and fret over whether or not they’ll see something that they shouldn’t, right? Wrong. There is a giant phallic object in this game that is so blatantly obvious it’s a wonder that the uber-prudes haven’t raged over this as well. Not only is the giant phallus completely visible from the skies of Terrydactyland, but it also appears to be…ahem… making a deposit of some sort on some other bits of female anatomy not far from it. But it’s a kid’s game, so that can’t be what it is, right?
- Compatible across virtually all gaming platforms and devices
- An unmatched, immersive gameplay experience (THX 7.1 surround sound capable, detachable mic, and more)
- Gel padding is incredibly comfortable across a wide range of head sizes
In The Shadows
In 3D Realms’ Shadow Warrior , you run around killing stuff. And that would be pretty much all there is to the game if the folks at 3D Realms weren’t all about putting some totally inappropriate content in every game they have ever made. I mean just look at anything with Duke Nukem in the title. Anyway, as you blast your way through hordes of baddies, you will occasionally find a near-naked woman tossed into the mix for no good reason other than to break up the monotony of killing for hours on end. Oh, and it also gives the main character, Wang, a chance to speak words of love and compassion to these textile-challenged damsels. Things like, “You want to wash Wang, or watch Wang wash wang?”
No Sex In The Champagne Room
So we have already touched on some sexiness in a GTA game, but since that seems to be somewhat of a common theme throughout the series, it’s only natural that we include another one. This time occurring in the Pink Triangle Club. The strippers in this game were about as good as it gets in video games. Sure, some stuff got better in GTAV , but this was the first time in the franchise that the game offered ‘fringe benefits’ to paying out exorbitant amounts of money to these working girls. Then Rockstar sweetened the deal by adding the stripper bonus. That incredible moment when suddenly there are two strippers paying no real attention to you, but rather pleasuring each other in creative ways.
Kill Sh**, Get Laid, Repeat
It I no secret at all that the God of War games are rife with death, destruction and boobies. So really it’s kind of difficult to nail down any one real escapade that’s so much better than the rest that it should be featured completely separately than the others. I mean, from the first time you ever play the games, it becomes apparent that you are seriously going to murder, pillage and rape your way to Olympus. The very first GoW game you’re fighting in a sea battle where there’ friggin sea monsters and demons and crap everywhere. But somehow you manage to stumble upon the one boat that has a giant bed full of naked chicks just waiting for a hero to save them. So what does Kratos do? Handles his business and gets back to killing, not giving a crap what happens to the women.
In Different Area Codes
The Mass Effect series, as with several other RPG/Action games from EA, sex is an integral part of the story. But in the Mass Effect world, you are given the choice of complete sexual freedom as long as you know how to talk the talk. You have the option of girl on girl, guy on guy, guy on alien, girl on alien and there is no shortage of potential bed-buddies either. You pretty much get the run of the Normandy. If they are on your ship and you can directly speak to them, you can bed them. Even in the DLC for Mass Effect 3 “The Citadel,” there’s all kinds of fun to be had as you get the crew drunk at the apartment that Anderson gives you to ‘rest’ in. That’s right, the Earth is being decimated by an alien horde and you are jack-assing around the citadel trying to get laid or get one of your crew members to engage in lesbian sex with a VI. Good times.
Visions in Dream Land
This one is just kind of funny, and just a little messed up. Much like in Banjo-Kazooie , Kirby’s Dream Land and the second title of the series were aimed very directly at younger gamers. In fact the target demographic was very young gamers who would inherently have little knowledge of the sexual innuendo right in front of their tiny eyes. But there it was anyway, right in secret stage 5-5, the full frontal female anatomy. And if you’re asking where in the stage it is…well it IS the stage. Take a look at the map for it and you will clearly see the Northern and Southern halves of the lady parts we love the most. Take a peek, they’re there.
She’s Got Legs
Quite possibly the most famous sexy moment in video gaming wasn’t intended by the developer or publisher, but neither could deny the amount of game sales they got from this famous hack. In the original Tomb Raider , there was a hack or mod floating around that would allow you the secretive pleasure of playing through the entire game with a totally nude Lara Croft. Yup…someone went and did it. Guys everywhere were so enchanted by Lara’s charms that they wanted nothing more than to see her in the buff. So one genius hacker went out on a limb and shot out a mod that allowed gamers to do just that. Sales for the game slowly and surely climbed until it was one of the best-selling games of the day. And it was that fervent lust for the character that led to her eventual rise to being the most legendary female character in gaming.
- Compatible across virtually all gaming platforms and devices
- An unmatched, immersive gameplay experience (THX 7.1 surround sound capable, detachable mic, and more)
- Gel padding is incredibly comfortable across a wide range of head sizes